***___winnie___***

Don’t stray, don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown, let me down
I say it’s all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it’s time to tell you why
I say it’s infintely true

Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweets in every afternoon

It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It’s time to tell you why, I say it’s infinitely true

It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

This has long been overdue…When Team amistad had an enchanting day… It was really fun…Lahat game! walang kiyeme, walang kaartehan…Enjoy lang, sigaw lang to the max! It really felt good to be out…to leave the shadows behind…I never had a thought of the not so good things in those hours…though sometimes the issue pops out, but It’s all for laughs…Sinulit namin lahat ng rides, with TL Rex leading the way! Cool TL huh?! I say really cool!…We went home wet all over, literally! :-p…I was never bothered that I might get an attack…Well I guess it’ll be nice coz I’ll die happy, pretty and young! hahaha…I mean after having been nailed and all, and now I’m up on my knees…living life out of the shadows… I just stared up, then looked around…so many good things I have missed and ignored in those days I’ve been haunted by yesterdays…I’m so thankful I have really good friends, true friends i would never trade for anything and anyone else… my protector was there all along…without even knowing it…Is it a consolation? naah, I don’t think so…I always believe in the law of karma to keep the Cosmo balance…I’m out and nothing I need to worry about…the mask I wore before is all gone…I found genuine smile…I saw light…It’s true what they say that when God closes the door and sometimes even the windows, but He allow people to break the walls and remove the chains…Life can’t get any better than this! It was a good start…Besides, I got a souvenir, the biggest bruise ever (courtesy of one of the blue team from paintball still unknown :-8)…Indeed, it’s one of the best days of my life! Something really good to hark back to…

How do you cool your lips after a summer’s kiss?
How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss?
How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound of a voice you’d know anywhere?

Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me maybe you might have
Some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive….

How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood after the body rush?
How do you free your soul after you’ve found a friend?
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again?

Oh you probably don’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me maybe you might have
Some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

I’ve been living a life the way you taught me how, the way you showed me how. There was no use fighting for nothing, that I’ve come to realize that for all the days that passed. anyway, It was what you wanted in the beginning. So I wear this mask everyday. Mask that I’m afraid to take off because underneathe sealed my death from within, the  hollow inside of me. I could have done a lot. It  was always your choice. and you had it. Still I’m hoping you’re happy now,  that my only wish.

2007, a new year for all of us alive and kicking.  Can’t help but think or sometimes be bothered by what lies ahead, with the indubitable fact that we are haunted by what lies beneath. Undeniably, there are questions like where do I go from here?  What do I really want to do? It really sucks when you notice how time flies and you had this certain feeling like you have never really achieved anything.

I have always known the way to where I wanted to be, but its too damn hard to get there.  Could it be?  But there’s no one else to blame.  I do a lot of pit stops, and once I get a little comfy I stay longer than I should.  Looking back, I knew i could have done something.  A lot of things I could have undone.  A learning experience, so inspite of it all, I’ve got no regrets.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t know how to make things right.

During a conversation over a cup of sinful coffee at starbucks with my girlfriends, guy friends and I had some talks about life, love, money and work.  There are some things immutable that you just have to deal and live with it if not, give up, quit and leave.  Identifying priorities is one hell a difficult thing to manage for everything else follow.  Easy to say and you…know the rest, don’t you?……..=p

My thoughts have engulfed me.  I can no longer procrastinate there’s something  that I got to do.  Something I have yet to figure out.  He gave us time to live, our own existence we continue to  decipher, but our destiny lies in our very own hands by the choices we make each day, take up the gauntlet and stand in your own feet.

it’s so funny when i see old friends on my list asking me, "hey do you wanna talk it over a cup of coffee?", or "shot na ‘to!" followed by a complaint, "i’m getting tired deleting my yahoo messages with your name on it!" Well, guys, you have to understand that it’s a little arduous doing nothing so i do spend some time wisely through writing. Well, so much of that subject. I’m sure you’re used to it by now, if not?! you’ll get used to it!!!ÜÜÜ. ayt! Anyways, the villagers (that’s how they call us back home) went home because of the holiday season, spending christmas over a dinner at pancake house and endless chitchats. Here’s some of the pics we’ve got for your eyes to see!

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Got home at half past 1 am today after a get together party with batchmates in highschool, it’s a reunion! or should, I say a class reunion because of the number that came? But anyway,  I guess it’s a good start since some are already living in the states or a million miles away. Well, there were stories. And yeah, I sang due to popular demand!haha, i knew what your doing gals, I wasn’t born yesterday! ahhh! Singing. I never got the heck of it since I quit my singing career. ÜÜÜ. It ain’t my loss! I just don’t feel like it. I got a shot of tequila and a beer. Oooops! I hoped my impending lab tests won’t reveal the presence of alcohol in my blood. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ll get away with it.Ü. Oh By the way, for those asking me if I’m married. I’m a bonafide single and an independent woman!    

There was picture taking and chitchats everwhere. Oh, and whats’s that word for the day? LOOOOONG PRESSSSS! Then there was a hanging question. What am I seven years after highschool. Faced with that big subject of WHAT? Looking at it, it’s quite simple to answer the query by simply disclosing what you are now. It’s kind’a palpable everyone is successful. We have nurses, dentists (hey Abi don’t forget our teeth!Ü) med reps, engineers, professors, an upcoming lawyer, a doctor, business entreps, even a scientist…various fields each had been equipped to survive the hurdles of college years, professional exams and state boards to acquire a license. Some have families of their own. Wow! we beautiful, charming  girls, I mean ladies (oooppps, elena?) now sure knows how to handle life’s struggles despite how tough it gets! Go CHST ‘99! Take it away! Stay pretty and keep the smiles!

Today has been a hectic day for me…I’ve been busy getting my medical records and I’ve got another appointed at 11:00pm with another cardiologist to get a second opinion coz Mom wasn’t satisfied with my doctor’s diagnosis…It’s mom’s cost ’cause her doctor, whom she wants me to go, is not an intellicare accredited specialist…so suffer the consequence! I guess they couldn’t believe what they saw! For those asking me questions about what the tests revealed? Final diagnosis:heart broken!…tiny pieces…condition? improved:now it’s whole again but had a big hole inside!…believe it?! or not! dare to comment? feel free to do so!
 

here’s something I’ve learned in one of the episodes of charmed…(that’s Phoebe and Cupid talking)

closed heart…

if people get the feeling that there’s nothing there, eventually it’s Ahsta La Vista…It’s a fine line between love and hate, and believe me, that’s fate more than death…Being terrified…the key ingredient is desire…the desire to go home…because home is where your heart is…Are you afraid of loss? you know, I swear, if you barf up "It’s better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all"…So tell me, what has not loving gotten you? It’s kept me safe…Safe from what? From people leaving…What I am is a potential for true love, that’s all…Because once you let love inIt’ll never leave you..Don’t confuse the message with the messenger…It’s sometimes people always do…see, messengers make mistakes…they lost, they run away, they even die…But their message "open your heart" it comes from life itself…Hear it…for my sake, and yours…your heart is as big as any I’ve ever seen…sooner or later, xxx pain will go away…but yours won’t…the pain of love lost deepens if you don’t deal with it…Fear and love cannot go in the same house…it’s because the people that we love eventually leave us…so we’ve given up on love…you mean love’s given up on me…It hasn’t, it can’t…your fear of loss has left you paralyzed…But you can change that…You can take the risk and love again…push through whatever hate or pain and doubt that you think might exist between the both of you…say what you really want…now before it’s too late…because in order to let love in, you have to overcome the obstacles within yourself…see! light and warmth and hope…and i know you still feel that way…How can you be sure? I can’t…But love is a risk…don’t mourn me…instead, remember me, celebrate me and seek me out… 

it felt like years that i don’t write my own piece…what was reel has now turned to reality and it was all happening before me…and worst, it happened to me…i passed out twice and got unconscious a few seconds…the minute i opened my eyes i saw mom’s panic-stricken face while my dad was driving…what a heck…well, anyway I’m back home, resting…and somehow i never thought that resting could be somewhat tiring…i should be sleeping a lot by now…and nahhh, i don’t…here i go again with my idiosyncratic description to events…probably i got used to my daily routine when i was still working…dragging myself to the office so i could pay my CC bills on time…trying to look good everyday to leave a good impression or somewhat be noticed…sometimes i do succeed…they only see the  mask i wear but inside im dead…been burnt alive…but i haven’t been able to get in somehow…and at times I give up…there was never been an explanation neither an apology i believe i deserve…i got nothing…and now i got the whole time for myself…i’m slowly getting tired of practically doing nothing, killing time…hard to be bum, you know, after a heart failure,by anatomy, i still don’t get what i want…well i guess, it’s time to call it quits, as i should have had a long time ago…
i’m killing time watching all the movies shown on HBO, Cinemax, etc…i’m done watching 2 seasons of charmed…would you believe? 22 episodes a piece, each has 45 minutes running time…if only i had the complete season i would have watched it repeatedly as i did from the ones that i have…not to mention the DVDs my sister got for me…so you do the math…recently I’ve watched hellboy again…though i’ve seen it a couple of times still i can’t forget the story and the words one of the characters imparted towards the end of the movie, (can’t exactly remember it verbatim but here’s how it goes)…"what makes a  man a man, not what he’s made of, not his origin, not even his destiny but what he chooses…" … So I guess there still goes my own saying, "your destiny starts after making your own  choice"…so never be afraid to take risks, because champions do not come from quitters but from people who risk their own, so you can truly be happy…sometime we are even torn between our habit and a dream…well, keep dreaming…unless you don’t take the risk  you’ll stay that way and won’t grow up…unless you break your habit, you won’t get what you want and achieve your dream, especially when it’s already in front of you…